Letter From Ana:
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors",
is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana.
Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot
of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all
of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent",
"14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten
you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard
enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends
and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the
insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I
look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying!
Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they
love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents
and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside
themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much
potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake
and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you
cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with
you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The
numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to
be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay.
You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone.
I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours
exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your
thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In
school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the
calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food,
weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am
already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger
pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL
of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach,
dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you
what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the
food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if
you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to
the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those
perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you
from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You
will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look
in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and
hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a
starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you
might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the
small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark
kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will
move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find
your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness
to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but
simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for
another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and
grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to
stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really
do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me
back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void
of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not
without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this
is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all
gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right
now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of
the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit
on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe.
Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you
receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your
blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize
you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain,
hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you
brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do
things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of
emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and
loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the
methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your
age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your
only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But
we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone
and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must
find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have
created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone.
Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore
them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries
to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely,
Ana
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